The News Bastards

Author: Ski

Sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh.  Other times, it's best to pull your hair out whilst screaming and jumping into a volcano.  Usually, for the rest of us here in the 1st world, it is the former option that we prefer.  When something bad happens, we've learned to laugh it off as if we just lost $500 in Las Vegas.

Tornado in the American Midwest?  "Haha, well I guess the house always wins, right?"

Red River floods out Winnipeg for the billionth time?  "Hey, Vegas is about the experience, isn't it? Haha"

It's pretty pathetic, but that's how we as westerners tend to deal with calamities: we do what we need to solve the issue, and laugh off the hardship after it's over with.  You sure get the feeling that Iceland wants to be able to laugh off their hardship.  Trouble is, now they have a volcano to jump into to make the 2nd option viable.  You have to believe it's pretty tempting right now...


But let's back up a second.  What the great good Lord happened to Iceland?  Those fuckers had it all: independent nation; a great heritage of brutal Vikingry to revere; universal Health Care; a power grid run entirely from renewable energy; free hot springs for all, and 2007's "Most Developed Country" award from the UN Human Development Index (followed closely by Gabon and Cuba...wait maybe that was a different award).

So what the hell happened?  First, someone must have banned dictionaries.  It's the only explanation for the fact that half of the country remains unpronounceable for even the most linguistically-skilled people on the planet.  Seriously, even Star Trek fans fluent in Klingon have a tough time saying Kopavogur, Snaefellsjokull National Park or the real rock star these days, Eyjafjallajokull.  Is this some kind of joke?  How much tourism has this country lost over the years because would-be visitors couldn't pronounce the capital's name?  "Alright honey, so we've narrowed it down to Dublin, Ireland, or Reka-ja...Reja-ka...va...Revakaja...fuck it, Ireland it is!"


Next, we had the financial crisis of the last couple of years.  In short, all three of Iceland's major banks packed it in and collapsed after they had accumulated massive amounts of foreign debt which they could no longer refinance.  If it sounds familiar, that's because it is.  Iceland's business minister, Gylfi Magnusson, likened the banking system to US Energy Trader Enron, now the cliche for soulless, corrupt corporations.  Things spiralled down after that.  The British government kicked into action, freezing all of the assets of one Icelandic bank in the UK, and launched legal action to help compensate 300,000 UK dolts who, for reasons unknown, trusted an Icelandic bank with their savings instead of a good, solid British bank.

Whoops.

On the heels of the banks' collapse, the global recession struck hard - GDP collapsed over 5% in the first half of 2009, market capitalization of the stock exchange fell 90% and the most crushing economic news hit in October of 2009 - McDonald's was pulling out of Iceland.  Now, I'm no economist.  In fact, I think everyone who needs a budget to manage their money is a little bit fruity...but you have to believe that things are pretty bleak if freakin' McDONALD's can't make it in your country.  Maybe the Icelandic spelling of Big Mac was costing too much for print ads?

The official reason is that the cost of importing meat and vegetables for the burgers was too high with the rampant inflation.  At the time, a Big Mac (or "Rkivksqullivike") cost $5.29 USD after exchange.  Considering there's like 10 cents worth of real US beef in an American Big Mac, I can see the problem.  Still - McDonald's is out?  What a blow to the national cultural tapestry!

This brings us to the most recent and hilarious of Iceland's issues - the volcano.  I can't pronounce it, and neither can the rest of you.  It's like listening to Blue Jays' broadcaster, Buck Martinez stumble over saying "Edwin Encarnacion" (thank God he's injured now...Buck's great but that name was just killing him.)  I'll just call the volcano Big Smokey.  So, up to now Iceland was a problem, but hey, Europe still loved 'em - they've been trying to get them into the EU forever!  To the EU, Iceland's people are really just displaced Europeans...displaced 1000 years, but still, displaced.

Then Big Smokey blew up, and the airline industry took a collective gulp before watching their fleets get grounded as airspaces across Europe closed up.  {Side Note: Can we all agree that the Airline Industry is the most poorly planned, operated and led industry in the world?  Here you have a necessary service, world-wide travel - and they have no ability to save for a rainy day because the damn planes they use each cost more than the GDP of Costa Rica.  So anytime anything abnormal occurs in the world that might impact the industry, their stock crashes, a new wave of bankruptcies/takeovers/failed takeovers/stupid-CNN-stories-about-dumbass-toursits-being-stranded-because-they-were-too-stupid-to-pay-5-extra-bucks-to-fly-with-a-big-airline-instead-of-patronizing-one-that-has-unsustainably-low-fares occurs, and they all cry foul and blame someone for their troubles.  Remind me never to own stock in an airline, except Lufthansa.  They are just great.}

Now, instead of just being unpronounceable, Big Smokey - and by extension, Iceland - was effectively shutting down all European air travel, after fucking over hundreds of thousands of Euro savers with their banks, and losing the basic 1st world ability of being able to support a damn McDonald's.  Can this nation do anything right?  Sure, the specific type of ash that's so damaging to aircraft engines (and personally, I'd rather not be in a glider at 32,000 feet, thank you very much) is only being created by the lava interacting with the ice on the volcano itself - but that's not Iceland's fault is it?  Well, it is if the word "ice" is in your country's damn NAME!

This country can't do anything right!  The debate rages on about whether it was a warranted shutdown of air travel, but ask any passenger if he wants to be on an airliner that is losing control of key aircraft equipment in flight.  Personally, at this rate, I think Icelanders would be lucky if Europe doesn't put their whole citizenry on their no-entry list.

So, what can Iceland do to solve their problems?  Nothing - and that's the hilarious part.  There really is no panacea here.  The country is going to be screwed for a long time.  Banks worldwide are half-screwed, helping out the banks of one country with 320,000 people isn't really high on their list.  McDonald's ain't coming back.  Webster's Dictionary continues having difficulty getting past "K" with their Icelandic edition.  And Big Smokey erupted for over 2 years the last time it blew.  Really, things can't get much worse, can they?

Hey, at least your country's name isn't one big lie.  You actually have ice in your country, unlike those lying bastard Greenlanders.  What the shit is that?

http://www.icetourist.is