Sports Fashions We Should Bring Back 04/09/2010
Author: Ski While there is always plenty of news to talk about, there is a matter of paramount importance that I think needs our attention. That issue, of course, is the uniforms and equipment worn by today’s professional athletes. I’m sure we can all agree that over the last century, the clothing worn by professional and amateur athletes as they compete in their sports has dramatically changed to become more “modern” - but is it better? Let’s have a look at a few long-lost sporting fashions that I think would invigorate their respective sports should they be re-introduced.  These guys knew how to play some ball! 1. BASEBALL – Straw Hats, Wool Pants and Baggy, Baggy Uniforms. The first recorded use of a uniform for baseball occurred in 1849, when the New York Knickerbockers (rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?) adopted a simple combo of “long blue trousers, white shirts and straw hats”. This is just common sense! Why on earth should our ballplayers be wearing inefficient ‘ball caps’ that only serve to block the eyes and upper face from the sun’s damaging rays and not the whole head? In these days of skin cancer, global warming, sunscreen, etc – there is no excuse to be putting million-dollar players in direct risk of skin cancer on their ears and backs of their necks. Straw hats just make great sense for all. Style aside, they are a must!  The 1930's 'Gashouse Gang' of St. Louis. Uniform comfort personified. Next: wool pants. Nowadays, we have these synthetic wicking materials that remove sweat, relax muscles and release a pleasant odour of chocolate chip cookies for the wearer. When did sports become all about comfort? Baseball is about struggle. It’s about the fight to beat the other dastardly team! Why are we coddling these ballplayers with the latest in material technology when we had perfectly good wool pants right from the start? Sure, they would be itchy, retain unpleasant smells and be downright uncomfortable on a 110 degree afternoon at the ballpark in Texas – but imagine the joy after the game! A great victory over the opposing team and at last the chance to remove those terrible pants! You’d have quicker ballgames too because players would just be itching to get the thing over with – literally. Two birds with one stone! For a sport that has gotten more cozy than a weekend with grandma, replacing the uniform pants with wool pants is just the kick in the seat that baseball needs. Natural fibers too, nothing for the environmentalist crowd to start complaining about either! Finally: baggy uniforms. Up until about the 1970s or so, baseball uniforms, while perhaps not made from the most pleasant material in the world, were still built for comfort. They had to be, otherwise there would be no explanation for the baggy sacks ballplayers were wearing! The tightest part of the uniform would be the socks, pulled halfway up to the knee. After that, it was pure comfort, as skinny players like Joe DiMaggio would play games wearing clothes that could either double as pyjamas, or else be used for a loose fitting example for Babe Ruth’s tailoring. So what happened? The 60’s and 70’s brought new, springy materials, and form-fitting uniforms became the norm. Out with canvas sacks held up by a leather belt, and in with tight synthetic knit pants and stretchy waistbands. Today’s uniforms aren’t so reminiscent of spandex, but with a few notable exceptions, the bagginess is long gone. It’s time we brought it back. It would help with the wool pants – now they won’t be hugging your legs so tightly! It would sure allow for more freedom of movement, and for a game that many think has “lost it’s roots” – what better way to reach back to the past than to bring back the burlap sack costumes that today’s octogenarians remember from the grand old game of their youth?  Kareem shows off - opponent are unimpressed. 2. BASKETBALL – Short Shorts and Peach Baskets Who wears Short Shorts? Not the NBA, anymore! One of the good things (and perhaps the ONLY good thing) to come out of Will Farrell’s ode to late 70’s basketball, “Semi Pro” was the reminder of those ridiculously short shorts that professional basketball players used to wear. Remember those? Now, let me just start by saying that I hate basketball. I know some people like it, but it’s a ridiculously boring and tedious sport, a bunch of tall guys running back and forth, scoring so many points that the score loses all meaning. Who cares about a 2 point basket when the final score is 118-109? BO-RING! Clearly, the NBA has realized what a lemon it actually has on its hands, and has done admirably well in attempting to liven up the ‘sport’ so that enough saps will continue buying tickets to watch these bums set a new shuttle run record. Slam Dunk contests (which I admit carries some good athleticism), grassroots city tours, association with funky music – they have done what they can. However, in this sex-sells world, it isn’t enough. What the public really wants is skin, skin, skin – so why not give it to them? If we bring back the old short shorts, not only is the public more entertained by enjoying the exposed thighs of their favourite basketball stars, but the league saves tons of money on reduced uniform expenditures (less fabric used) and smaller laundering costs (less fabric to wash). Everybody wins! A look back into basketball annals reveals that the very first baskets used in the game were actual peach baskets, nailed to the mezzanine wall of a gymnasium. The first game ever played finished with a score of 1-0, and featured no dribbling, Nike ads or gangsta rap. What it DID feature was the darling idea of having to retrieve the ball from the basket with a ladder after that one scoring play, because the basket still had its bottom, so the ball wouldn’t fall through as it does today. What a novel concept! Why does everything have to be so easy in sports today? I say bring back the peach baskets, and force the scored-upon team to have to go up with a ladder (or piggy back or whatever) to get the ball down after every stupid scoring play. Think of the implications! No more 110 point games – think of all the time wasted getting the ball down! Not that this would be a heavy delay, since the scored-upon team will be livid with revenge, they would get that ball down quickly. But with less scoring, the points would mean more, and you would have less fouls creating free throws, simply because that shit would now take forever, and who has that kind of time! Peach baskets could be the thing that brings the NBA back out of the realm of the idiotic. I still won’t watch it though. I’d much rather observe the copulation of two avian insects, if you catch my drift.  Jim Thorpe whining about his lost Olympic medals. FOOTBALL – Leather Helmets Let’s face it, football is one of the most evolved pro sports out there today. No sport has changed so dramatically from when it was first conceived to the present day. This is particularly true of the equipment, as the average football player is literally stacked with enough pads, wrappings, guards, cleats and helmet armour to scare off a 12th century knight. With all that said, I don’t think we need to turn back the clock here for the clothing or uniform composition – a contact sport like this really does need the synthetic fibers for sweat-wicking – have you seen the guts on some of these blockers? Looks like they sweat off a pound just jogging to the line of scrimmage! What we SHOULD change is the helmets. The Helmets in use today are so impersonal and faceless – the human element is gone from the game! You can barely see the face of your enemy, with all the protective masking in that helmet – where’s the thrill of watching your opponent’s face go beet red as you explain to him the particular dating preferences of the majority of his family and his spouse? So I say, away with these high-tech helmets, and let’s return to the tested and true leather helmet! Where’s the harm? If everyone was wearing leather helmets, you bet your ass that no one’s going to be putting their heads in harm’s way, so injuries won’t increase appreciably. And besides, even if injuries do increase – it’s the most violent pro sport around, you accept the risk when you pull on the leather! Hey, if American Football legend and humiliated Olympian Jim Thorpe could play with a leather helmet with no loss of mental capacity – so can these molly-coddled CFL and NFL players today. And now, without the facemask, you’ll be able to perfectly capture the blood vessels pop in the eyes of your opponent as you outline the previous night’s activities with his wife. Glorious! GOLF Golf had no fashion to begin with. Checkered pants, argyle sweaters, funny hats….really? It’s also not a damn sport. To quote George Carlin – “Do you ever watch golf on TV? It's like watching flies fuck! I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But it's these genetic defectives that you have to hang around with that makes it such a boring pastime. Think of the brains that it takes to play golf. Hitting a ball with a crooked stick…then walking after it…and then…hitting it again! I say pick it up, asshole - you’re lucky you found the fucking thing! Put it in your pocket and go home, you’re a winner!” ‘Nuff said.  Jacques Plante mocks the leafs. HOCKEY – Old-style Masks Hockey being the active, dangerous sport that it is, there is not much applicable to the fashion in this sport. Most changes in the last century have centered around the head, as slap shots have gotten faster, and although Milhouse losing his teeth on the Simpsons may be funny, having facial protection for the goalie really is a good idea. That said, having these streamlined art-strewn over-protective abominations on the heads of goalies today is too ridiculous. So it’s time to turn back the clock and bring back the first hockey masks, the kind that Jacques Plante first introduced in 1959. It protects the face, and the goalie’s vision – this is all you need! Now you’re thinking – what about the side protection, or the top of the head? Well, I say – if you’re a goalie and you’re not following the puck, and you take a slap shot to the side of the head – you’re the idiot who wasn’t following the puck! What about protection on the top and back of the head? What, are pucks falling from the sky now? All you need is facial protection, the rest is just annoying crap. Why does the helmet have to have a fanciful logo of the team the goalie plays for – isn’t the jersey enough to identify him? As for helmets showing the nation that the goalie represents in international play – save it for the Olympics, buddy. Joe Sweatsock sitting in Row ZZ, having spent half his life savings to buy a nosebleed seat behind a post because the douchebag NHL charges a fortune to watch their crappy games live, doesn’t give half a fuck what country the goalie played for 2 years ago. All he cares about is that you stop the fucking puck! SOCCER – Soccer has no fashion on the pitch. Shorts and a jersey since forever, whoop-dee-doo! The only applicable fashion belongs to those delightful European “Footballer’s Wives”….and they can go right on wearing what they do! So that’s it – You can plainly see that many of our most popular sports have lost something as they raced to “modernize”. Let’s bring the heart back into these games, before they all become as boring as Basketball! Honourable Mentions – BASEBALL – High Collars, Chicago White Sox Shorts from the 1970s. FOOTBALL – Leather Breeches. BASKETBALL – Sleeping with 20,000 women in a lifetime. HOCKEY – The Fox “Comet” Puck. | ArchivesCategories |
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